Piper

Piper is a cat of advanced years and receding brain, who started his life in a supermarket trolley before imposing himself on the Muttsibs and refusing to leave.

Talk about landing on your feet.

  ^-----^    "Miraaaugh!"
 /  0 o  \   /
|   .v.   |
 \ \_|_/ /
 /____,__\

Like other members of his adopted family, Piper writes. He, however, cannot spell. Thus, his notes of complaint or demand, frequently left around the house, feature references to "bizscics" and "fisshy fude", occasionally requiring advanced knowledge of phonics in order to translate them to cat kibble and goldfish food flakes.

Piper enjoys/tolerates/bemoans a love/tolerate/hate relationship with Princess Ziggy.

Piper's arrival is frequently met with cries of "UUUUUUUUUUUUUURGH!", "OH MY GOD!" or "WHO LET THAT IN?!".

Species, appearance

Piper is officially a hybrid of rat, cow and magpie. He is commonly referred to as a "magpie cowrat" or "uurgh". Genetic testing and/or guesswork has identified two of the grandparents as a sewer rat (Rattus norvegicus) and black rat (Rattus rattus). The cow is almost certainly a Friesian, a contributor to his white-and-black patched pelt. The Latin name of the European magpie is Pica pica, which most researchers seem to feel is appropriate.

These murky origins have been immortalised in [rhyme] by some twit with nothing better to do.

His four stomachs and four chins are believed to be the reason for Piper's unpleasant, very strong odour. This smell is very apparent when he yawns or exists. Princess seems to be immune, but has been proven to have no sense of smell.

Piper [has no front teeth]. The net effect of this, becoming more pronounced in his later life, is a tendency towards drool and a lolling [tongue].

Naming

At one point, Piper might have been called "Rebel", but intervention from the Muttsibs prevented this travesty. Piper's name is a reference to the Pied Piper of Hamelin (for his markings), to a standing stone in the works of Pratchett, and to his reedy voice.

He is otherwise known as "the ANGEL" and, occasionally and infernally, "Pipie". Piper spells his own name "peiparr", but this is because he cannot spell. There are rumours linking Piper to the mysterious "seekrit ars doktar", but these have yet to be substantiated beyond a trace of fluff on the computer keyboard.

Tricks

Mutt trains Piper. He can stand up and give kissies ("gigglebuzz"), come when called (*click* "come... erm! Come here!"), sit ("sit"), sit up on his haunches and pat at your hand ("sit up"), miaow on command ("speak"), "beg" with his paw and, sometimes, "stay". He has been taught to wait for permission before beginning to eat. Mutt is the only one who enforces this, so what he has in fact learned is to gobble away unless it is Mutt feeding him.

In popular culture

Piper has attained such fame that a German nutcase by the name of Sammet has written a ten minute epic about how the cat will never die. Research by gumptious if temerarious experts has found that the song is "simply marvellous", but most other people to research the subject start wailing and crying.

The Swedish group ABBA is also known to have released a [tribute] to the beast.

A former [British pop singer] named herself after it, though why anyone would want to do this is a mystery.

External links

• [Box]
• [Tinsel]